Finding Your Genuine Self

Many of us are psychodynamically trained to be "blank slates" in front of our clients, a neutral face they can project their "stuff" onto and we help them navigate. But for many of us, this is just not disingenuous, it's simply not possible and has negative impacts on there therapy we do. Therefore, it is IMPERATIVE we show up genuinely and authentically in the therapy room, but just how do we do this ethically and professionally? Keep reading to find out how.

How we're taught to be therapists in school often differs significantly from what feel true to us as human beings. I'm sorry, but I never sit in front of a client with my feel flat on the floor, slightly leaned forward, and offering quiet reassurances to the client as they tell their story. That's just simply not who I am...I have ZERO poker face!

Over time, however, I've learned to embrace myself -- quarks, imperfections, and all -- and put a VERY light, professional polish on it. I'm still me, but making sure that I'm not making egregious faux pas with clients. With time, patience, and a SHIT TON of compassion, you too can bring your most authentic, genuine self into the therapy room. Here's some pointers to help you get started.

Find Your Style

When it comes to being your authentic self, figure out what works best for you in terms of how you work. Do you like a more structured, Q&A style in session? Or do you like it more conversational to see where the session goes? Or perhaps you do a hybrid of the two. Regardless, ensure that you are presenting yourself in the most genuine way possible to allow for rapport building and the development of trust.

I tend to be more conversational in my approach, although it does depend on the client. Some are so nervous that I need to really take the lead, therefore sessions becomes a bit more structured. For others, they've done this before and have zero problems telling their story and engaging thoroughly. Trust your humanity to meet the client where they are. In time, there will be few, if any, awkward silences.

Be Clear and Transparent

Make sure clients know what you are doing and why you are asking the questions you do. Again, developing trust means the client has space to be vulnerable and they can only do that when they don't have underlying questions about your motives or intentions. Furthermore, this allows them to give full consent to the therapy process; you can't do that if you're not fully in on the process. I tend to ask, "I have some thoughts about what could be going on, want to hear them?"

I think it's also important to be transparent when you notice a shift with your client: they suddenly get really quiet or their sentence trails off. Simply ask, "What just happened here?" And to be more genuine and authentic, note (if clinically appropriate) any shifts you might be experiencing. We're human and we have deep connections to each other, even if just meeting for the first time, therefore it is important to honor those connections. It will help everyone involved feel more seen, heard, and understood.

The Vulnerability Paradox in Practice

The Oxford Dictionary defines vulnerability as “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.” Well, when you put it that way: no, thank you!

But the paradox part of the Vulnerability Paradox is what I'm talking about here. I have this conversation with clients often, that a lack of connection to others due to protecting themselves only serves to keep them isolated. Only by making themselves vulnerable, even just a little, does the opportunity for connection happen.

Put another way, vulnerability is kind of like Schrodinger's cat — the possibilities that we will be hurt by another or deepen our connection with them are both true so long as the box stays closed (the cat is both alive and dead at the same time). Only when we have the courage or vulnerability to open the box is when we'll definitively know which version we'll get. Seems like a risky gamble though, right?

That's because it is!

But, I'll tell you what: Being vulnerable with clients has had some really profound effects. Our relationship deepens, we see each other as humans, and we're able to give each other grace and hold each other accountable when we're not our better selves.

Bottom line: good, person-centered therapy doesn't happen without vulnerability, both for the client AND the therapist.

 

 

It's not easy to begin developing or further develop your genuine, authentic self in the therapy room, especially when it seems so far removed or ever wrong from what we were taught in school. I'll go into more detail in future posts about some of the strategies listed above, but hopefully this gives you something to work with until then.

 
 

Want more awesome content and support on your journey to becoming fully licensed?

Consider working with Jackie for clinical supervision. Current supervisees get exclusive access to content created especially for those just starting off on their path as a mental health professional.

 

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